Dear Old “Friend”

I always thought my senior year was my year. I never wanted to know what it was like to be taken advantaged of when my brother left. My brother was always a person that would be the look out and never allowed anything or anyone to come in my life without his permission. He had authority over me since he was my big brother. In my eyes, I have always seen him a severe control freak that always wanted to be in charge of everything and anything, but really it was the exaggeration and not- willing to listen to him from the very jump. Everyone knew who I was because Junior, sometimes I, would make it known to people that I was Juniors’ sister. Holding a title was never a thing with me because it would make me stand out to other people. My brother went to college and I guess you can say my ” whole world turned upside down”. You never realize how much you love a person til you have to let them go, to go spread their wings and fly. Florida was the destination and it was a trip in 18 hours which felt like days. Each hour changed to less of a second from my brother leaving and I was telling myself I was going to be okay. Two nights in a hotel stays and unpacking/setting up led to each tear that would drop when the time came to leaving. After many times, of not getting off his bed, I thought of ‘I can’t do this without you’. Tears came back and forth, but 18 hours back felt the silence of thoughts being processed of being free. Sadness deepens within the house day after day for a whole two weeks til it was back to school for me.

The school came to session and statistics class came as well. Why Stats? Out of all classes, you had to come in my senior year math class. You were just a junior coming into an advanced math class. Our Math teacher, Mr. Rice, had us assigned seats next to each other for a good portion of the semester.  My friend Karlee was there too, behind us, and I had no idea who you were or what you were about. Calling my brother that night was intense when I told him I had to sit next to you in class. He already told me to either go lesbian or don’t talk to you. I know he really didn’t mean the lesbian part, but what else was he suppose to say when he wasn’t there. Each class you would ask me ,do you get this or understand?, I would deny any knowledge and keep our conversation to a minimum. I would turn around and help Karlee because she obviously needed help and I actually knew her. Karlee was the glue or reason we even held our first conversation. I never wanted anything to do what you had going for you because my brother already told me what and who you are about. I was focused on me and never worried about anybody in my path. I tried to stay in clear vision and take the path less traveled by til you came along. I can’t blame you when Karlee would try to link us up and I wanted no parts.

You are someone that love to play games, but be soo smooth with your words. I couldn’t tell you to stop because this was the first time someone came my way for purpose and didn’t care if I was a big girl. You had drive ,but wasn’t stopping til I gave you my number. I played so hard til October, you kept trying til I gave you a real answer. I saw you wanted to be with me, well, atleast pretend to be. I can’t tell you that I didn’t like the hardheaded, stubborn side of you, but you wouldn’t leave me alone. You always said you would take me keys and would wait in my car for me. For me to give you an answer and that answer hesistantly didn’t come out til the end of Halloween night. I remember you blowing my phone up saying all the ‘right’ things. You kept it casual til you wanted more than my number. You wanted to hang out of school. I kept saying to myself, I don’t remember when someone like a guy came to my house without being my brothers’ friend..

I told you things that I would never think to tell anyone else. You discovered me with one test at a time. I never thought you cared .but you told everyone that I was your best friend. I told you, best friends don’t talk like this. Things could of been realistic ,but you were stuck in the phase of meeting up with out of school. You asked in classes, the hallways, at my locker, and everywhere you saw me. You asked me what’s the deal, “Can I be your everyday of the week?” I said ,”what is that suppose to mean?” You never answered that question. You answer all ,but that one. The question at that time made no sense to me. I was stupid and niave.

October 31, I gave up the games and I gave into you. I was nervous, I was shaking, and everything above which was not what I needed. I needed you to leave me alone. I needed a friend. I needed someone that would love me and show what’s like to be loved again. After losing my best friend 8 years ago, at the time, and my brother to college,  it was like I was searching for all the wrong things. Love wasn’t the best suit for you. I added emotions and feelings to you, which you were not ready for. You were not ready for the attachment of me. You were not ready to be committed too.   Almost two years of my life disappeared  because of YOU!

I can’t be mad at you because I made the decision to keep dealing with you and put myself in the crazy situation in the first place. You showed me things that I don’t ever need to look for in a person. You showed me that I need to go through stuggles to be able to be strong. You showed me that not everyone that is sent to you will  be beneficial. You showed me that love does exist,but the wrong kind. Overall, all I can say is thank you for showing me that I can be better, do better, and become an amazing person without another person in my life. I thank you!



Ex- “Friend”  Jaye




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