I couldn’t tell people the full story of my past. I struggled with things as you saw. I struggled with knowledge and lack of proof. I couldn’t be honest with myself, let alone you. You were there, but never acknowledged you day in and day out. I miss the way I was from the beginning. You made me with a heart of gold. You made me with patience. You made me kind. You made me a person to take any problem to figure the solution. You saw the darkness, but light. You saw the light in me when no one else did. You brought me here for a purpose and I still struggle with doubts. I couldn’t tell you no, but ignored and made excuses. Excuses, you kept saying, what are excuses when I have you. I looked past what you gave me and turned against all the efforts you made for me. I was selfish, I was a child with stubbornness, never listening, but somehow you always listened. My parents never got it. They always asked me, where did you come from? I wonder if I ever said sorry, will that ever be good enough.
My whole life between losing things, family, and near death experiences, I never could take back what were shown and how you never gave up on me. YOU! I wouldn’t be here without you! I always thought, maybe that was you I was talking to on a white bench when I was sick. I never forget the dreams I would have, you would send angels from heaven to talk to me in my dreams. I always asked why? What does this dream mean? I never wanted to face what was really going on or what you were saying. I knew of you, but never like this before. I wanted to keep finding answers to all my questions: Why am I here? What will I do in my time on earth? Where will I go when I get older? I always asked questions but wasn’t ready for all the answers at once. I knew I had to do more for you to even get one answer to just one question. I was lost of how to start, where to go, or even what to do.
Recently, I was asked many things and for one to be someone’s wife. How could I be someone’s wife when let alone I don’t have a good marriage to look up too. Then I stumbled upon something, more like you showed me, that every marriage has difficulties. Everyone has problems in their relationship with their significant others. Each person brings baggage, flaws, differences, but one thing that seemed like the same or should be the same is believing in you (God). I failed to realize that all relationships should have you (God) in the center of them. More like a triangle: You and your significant other at each end (at the base) and you (God) at the top point. I sat here and wondered why all the other relationships never worked out, but all I could do is laugh. It’s like when baking a cake, the main ingredients to bake a wonderful cake you need water. Water? Well, I learned that water is the living water. It’s your way (gods’) way of washing out all the nasty, the sin, and all ugly, to all the imperfections and you turn them into beauty. In this case, it’s making a beautiful, tasty cake. You showed me that it’s not about what went wrong, how it went wrong, or what could I do to change, but it’s what I needed to do and that was to give everything to you! You brought all these different people in my life to better me, not to hurt me. I always wanted the pity party anytime I would get hurt, but I failed to realize it was a purpose and reason why things happened. You brought me a wonderful and special man in my life. Yes, our relationship hasn’t been the greatest and of course, we are like any relationship with problems and flaws, but it seemed to work out for the greater. You opened doors for us both because we realized that we need to seek you first before seeking any man or woman for advice. We realized that we both need you in order to make this relationship work or last. We realized that we are not perfect. We realized that we are not going to agree on everything. We know that you look upon us greater than some people because you brought us from troubles, showed us our callings, and you’re depending on us.
I couldn’t tell you that I have had an easy journey, but it’s been all worth it. The devil has tried me so much lately more than ever. I’m not saying I have been perfect in all aspects. I know I have to focus and not ask you (God) why, but do what I can do for you (GOD). “Faith without works is dead”, something one of my favorite guys says to me every day.